When He Came That Winter Night
by Dreamer's Prophetess
Summary: This is my testimony three years ago. I ask God to bless those who decides to read this true story. God loves you and may this encourage you in your life struggles. He gives you answers and the strength to carry on, Jesus will be there. Believe!


The Reason I write to you the portion of my life is…It's because of a Love that was true…and still true today…

I'm 20 years old, going to a university and studying Information and Computer Science. Extraordinary events has taken place in my life for the past three years. When I was 17, still in high school as a senior, I felt my life crumbling many times. I was not a delinquent, a person that felt the need to rush into the parties, or a person that recklessly ran into trouble. No. In fact, I was a very calm girl, I did not do much except study and find meaning in life through the people that identified me as sister, friend, and daughter. It was these few good times that my life became twisted upside down.

The day came when my parents decided to divorce. We see it always on television, we hear the somber stories, we know of its existence, and yet we seem to still regard it one of the least of all problems to deal with in America. Hearing the voice of my parents ready to split, not exist in each other's lives much less be united in my own, made me paralyzed with fear and doubts. The divorce was not what hit me the hardest but what has been going on in my family with financial situations. I did not work even though I was old enough to. In my school, I had already been privileged to become occupied with many responsibilities such as being the leader of a dance team, actively participating clubs and leadership positions. I remember hearing that the financial situation is what is driving my parents apart. In the end, I realized I did not do anything to help my family or support them in any way. I placed the blame on myself and fell into guilt.

Coming close to end of November, I realized my life was not as lively as everyone labeled it to be. They may applaud me, give me praises for accomplishments, befriend me, but I did not understand where this emptiness was coming from. I became clouded with visions of happiness, yet not being happy at all. In the end, I cursed myself and told myself to grow up and stop being selfish. Yet, the more I tried to dive deep into my relationships with other people, the more remorse I felt, the more I felt my life was completely useless. One day, I sat down and thought about my life. As though I was rewinding all my life events and seeing them in order, I came to the conclusion that there is no need for my existence in this world. I don't have a reason to live much less a reason to continue on. After all, if I'm living to gain fame- what's the use, won't I be as good as dead in due time from old age? What if I desired money, riches to keep the people I loved prosperous and happy? Still, in the end, money goes on and on, but my life will still end up the same- death. What about being there for the people that I love? Would I be really much use to them? They didn't seem to need me…

What is beyond this life for me? Pondering upon this, I realized the answer was quite simple. Growing up in a Christian background, I was supposed to say that I loved Jesus Christ and that he would take me to heaven, or so they say. I kept that in mind, gave usual prayers once in a while, but never put much thought into it. Something inside told me, I'm not much of a Christian, much less a believer. I remember my old days when I was little, vibrant and loving Christ. And now, as a teenager- I realized this was sooo not true. For reasons unknown, I became bitter about myself. My self-image deteriorated and I fell into self-hate. Was it because I wanted to? Maybe. I felt that I deserved to be hated. I kept telling myself that I could not be loved for I was different and I had all I needed and yet couldn't really do anything for other people. I am not a doctor, not a political associate, not anyone important. I don't have skills to help my family, nor be there emotionally for my sister. The more I fell into my bitterness, the more I couldn't contain it.

Day by day, I became a horrid person. I did not care for appearance and I began to lose my smile, the brightness of my face. My heart seemed to get heavier day by day and life itself caught me by its grip and sucked me up empty. I felt like a vessel without a driver. Like a plant without water, or a bee without a hive to return to. My ugliness carried out and I became an angry person, quickly losing my temper and snapping at other people. My sister, being the closest to me, was the first to realize this and the first to feel the fruits of its venom. Our relationship fell apart- and our conversations became terse, and almost annoying. I couldn't stand it! I didn't understand why I was behaving in this way or what kind of psychological situation has brought me to such events of solitude and loneliness but I couldn't stop the tears every night. I simply cried. I cried and cried - and I finally called out to God. I heard of him, oh yes, they all called him savior and the only one we needed. I did not believe it. I did not need him, I thought.

Yet, I didn't have much choice, I cried out and said, "Help me please!" But I did not receive anything. The more I cried, the more I felt someone tugging me and saying to me, what makes you think you're good enough to talk to God himself about this? I was too dirty/not good enough to be with anyone such as God. Who could like someone like you now? You have no one that cares, the events in your life prove that you are just not lovable. It's your fault that parents are divorcing. It's your fault that your sister and you are not as close. It's your fault that God is not helping you out. That's right, I said. It is my fault. I failed to go to church, I failed to pray to God, I failed in everything that should have pleased God. I gave up; how could God love one such as me, I turned my back on him many years ago without knowing it….and now I was crying out to him, expecting something when I deserve nothing….

Weeks went by and now it was mid December. I heard of a church retreat but I decided I did not want to go. Furthermore, my studies were taking up all my time. I told myself, there is no God in this world. Afterall, EVERYONE is saying it, maybe I was living a man-made faith, living in a fantasy that I just made up. Now I felt it was true. One day, I received a letter from my church. In this letter was a message from one of the youth leaders telling me to come to the retreat. Inside there was an application and I looked at it without any emotions. I tossed it aside, I didn't know why I just didn't throw it away. Not knowing that it would return right back to me, I finally got the urge to ask my sister for permission. And then, I was off. Why did I go? I told myself I needed to still know the truth, and the only way is to go there myself and see it. So it was a three day retreat and I simply had no one to talk to, as usual. I secluded myself from the crowd and just followed the flow of the plans- eating, activities/ games, worship, quiet-times, and sleeping, etc.

The most ironic thing seemed to have happened. The only things that the pastor told us about was "Self-worth." He went all about with self-hate issues, the truth of who we are and what we are here for. A big hole seemed to have been filled in my heart for some reason. Being that all my sadness came from the question of my existence, I felt a little bit happier than usual. I went back to my room with my roommates, but shook away these feelings, and clung onto my doubts. Again, the messages were all about self-worth, the love that God had for his people, for the people that chose to follow and love him, for the people that strayed from him long ago. I did not want to admit it but these words seemed almost directly for me and for many people around me. It's almost as if someone was trying to speak directly to me. Finally, the last day came and I was ready for the last worship time, praising and singing. Still, another strange predicament came about. Our worship leader suddenly stopped and pointed at a distance, softly saying that he did see Jesus with us. Hearing this, I cried. I wished I could have seen it- I wish God might have allowed me to see the truth in that manner. I doubted again, what if he is just lying? Maybe he's hallucinating, gone crazy? How could I know!

My pastor told everyone to kneel and ask the Lord for anything, to just be blessed by His presence and feel the power of His limitless love. At first, I simply asked God for a change, to return to not the same lifestyle but to something better. A few minutes passed and a staff member- someone I didn't even know and never talked to, came and prayed for me. She started speaking in Tongues, a language I couldn't understand and continually prayed. Then, she spoke English and told me that God saw through...all my problems. She listed them out like my mind and heart were an open book to her! I gasped I was shocked when she spoke about my family's financial problems- my relationship with my sister and the relationship between my mother and father. She told me that God had always loved me and that He understood all the pain I felt. She said God has seen my tears all those nights, he saw me cry and call out to him. He was always there. God wants me to stop doubting Him and to see that I had to go through these things for a reason, He had allowed me to understand the pain of hate and doubts so that I may be able to understand his compassion for others. I couldn't stop the tears from the almost impossible event, that I couldn't breath. She continued telling me "He says this: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10) She told me God knew the plans he had for me, not to harm me, but to help me prosper.

I've made the decision to change. I was so thankful and didn't even know how to express my thanks. I just said, I do believe now, you've proven so much to me and now, I realize all that I've been through...so many times you've blessed me and I didn't even regard it. I want to know you and love you. After that night, I couldn't stop my smiles and laughter. My vitality has returned to me and I had changed. I was a new person- almost transformed I felt it in every fiber of my body and in every part of my soul, I could feel the Lord's touch. He knew that I doubted him so much; he knew that I rejected him and didn't care. Yet he knew I needed to be moved and sure of His existence. I finally came to a realization, God is real. God IS LOVE. No matter how deeply I thought it was not true, I can't anymore. Because from that point on, my life was changed 360 degrees. Once I returned home, I came back completely different that my parents looked at me strangely. Even my sister was a little shocked at my sudden approach to be kind and loving. I sat them all down and told them what God has shown me, how God has told me he was there for me. All of them received what I told them- but never took it to heart. My sister for a moment went on with her usual life but even her lifestyle has begun to change. My whole family has begun to change slowly and slowly, the more I prayed to my God, realizing that I do hold faith for a reason. My father and mother did not divorce. They told me that something seemed to have changed both of their minds and hearts. My sister and I are once again the closest of friends and the things I did in school, the activities of studies, now I know why I want to continue, now I know why I want to still live on. Now I know why Life is worth living for, what the purpose of my life is.

I do not walk alone but now I walk with the light. I did not pray to some spiritual force or a shining light, but I spoke to a father who created me, a God that had shown me mercy, forgiveness, love, and grace. I finally got to know God, and not just hear about him. I was like many agnostic or atheist, with the same questions. Why is there no explanation for the existence of God? If God is so mighty as they say, why don't he show himself to us? Christians are living in a little bubble, they don't know what's going on in the real world, They don't know the true riches of living life for themselves, they need to get a real life. If God is so good, why does evil exist?

How about we turn the tables around? There need be no explanation for the existence of God, that's why the belief is based on faith. What would God need to reveal himself when the works of His hands are around us everywhere: the trees he's planted, the animals he has created, the sky with limitless stars, the moons, the water he provided… If all Christians are living in a bubble, why are there dynamic Christian Contemporary artists, why do some scientists stand up to their faith, why are soldiers still praying as they fight in war; do we even know how to define 'a real world?' All things are temporary, and no matter how much you want to fancy yourself with other things in this world, in the end you will know they only bring temporary happiness. The money you work for, the people you think fill your empty holes in your heart, you riches and possessions aren't even protectable. They won't keep you happy forever, people just move on to different things, temporarily being filled. One finds most pleasure in life living to please Him who has formed you for a purpose, than to fill one's own bottomless greed and selfishness. If the world is so evil and corrupt as they say, why then does Good exist?

I came to find that not all Christians are living for God or to help other people. Many people were hurt especially from Christians, because Christians have chosen to show more hate than love, cruel judgments than mercy, and false lies instead of understanding. There are many stereotypical view of Christians, as well as stereotypical view of atheist or agnostics. Still, I've experienced something truly supernatural, something that no human in all their sorcery or their predication skills can muster. I felt my God, and I heard him say that He loved me, that he cared for me and understood my problems. He did not come in contempt for all my evil doing, he embraced me with patience. He did not scold me for being so lazy or rude, he said, Come and I will teach you to be whole again. I pray that my life could be a living proof to all that God does exist, that he gave us his son to die on the cross so that we may be spared his wrath if we but accept Jesus in our hearts. Though he may not exist in your life, He exist in mine and many others. I can truthfully say, that one day without him is a living hell, where as one day with him I find my strength. He's everything to me, my breath, my supply, my wants, my love, and all that is good in me. Please take this opportunity to allow God a chance to work in your life. Only you can decide whether God can step inside your heart. It is your choice and may ultimately decide your fate and destiny, your course in life and the people that you will meet, the events that will fall into play. Those who hope in the Lord will never EVER be disappointed.

Think about it? What do you have to lose? What are the profits, or the goods? I don't know what you desire most in life, what you find great joy in, what fills you up, but I can tell you, that nothing in this world can fill you up the way that Jesus Christ has filled many people already.

If you wish to find Jesus Christ, to find God and allow Him to step in, please say this simple prayer with a sincere heart. If you don't know how to pray, it's really simple. There are many different ways: closing hands and closing eyes, writing a letter, speaking in your thoughts, or talking out loud. Remember, it's a choice, though God greatly desires to have a relationship with all people; He's given everyone a free will so that he would not force them into anything, because He loves and continually does. Please say:

_Dear God,_

_I greatly desire to know you better and believe that Jesus Christ, your son, had died for me on the cross to take away my sins, so that I may be able to find you and even be able to pray in your presence. Dear Lord, please forgive and forget all my past wrongdoings and help me start anew. Change my life for the better, and I will wait for you, hoping that you will step into my life and help me in my walk with Jesus Christ. I will trust in you, though times may get tough. Thank you. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. _

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this long letter and testimony. I'll be praying that whoever reads this letter may be moved by the Holy Spirit and that you will be inspired enough to share your renewed faith and perhaps this letter with your own friends and family. Thank you again so much! God bless you, my friend and have a blessed day.


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